Browse Professor Quotes

If you give me or anybody in this room swine flu I will hunt you down and break your knees!

—Lauren Sarat, about the flu

It's amazing, you can put something in your mouth and not get pregnant.

—Barrett Hazeltine, discussing marketing of a birth-control pill

True Herbals is a medicinal company, which introduces pure herbal 
treatments. Company's big achievement is to introduce totally herbal 
remedy for vitiligo in the form of Anti vitiligo Oil.     

Anti vitiligo Oil is herbal remedy for vitiligo with no side effects, no 
steroids and no itching. Anti vitiligo oil is very successful in 
international market for last 6 years with reorder rate of 53%.

 

To support its increasing customer base in USA, UK and in Arabic countries,
True Herbals have appointed sales representative in these countries
—TrueHerbals introduced its sales representatives in US UK and Arabic.

If this were Spain, they would say that this room is fucking frio.

—Kenneth Chay, during the final exam in B&H

I just want to give you honors and call it a day.

—Jennifer Lawless, POLS 1920, on advising theses

As for theory, I don't know.  It's smarter than me.

—Jennifer Lawless, POLS 1910, advising theses

...which actually should be censored, but on aesthetic terms.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on the censored 1994 film "The Emigrant"

When you're arrested, this is how you should talk.  Use passive voice.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on exceptions to grammatical rules

You guys live this.  At least in my imagination you do.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on hookup culture in the ancient Arab world

You have to understand guy psychology here.  Get over it.  Road trip.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on ancient Arabic poetry

This is what all that yoga is for.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on a second class without a working projector

This has more costume changes than a Madonna concert.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R

We've left the world of European art house cinema and gotten to Hollywood B movies, which is why you've never heard of the director and he doesn't matter.

—Ghenwa Hayek, COLT 1420R

I wanna party with you.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, to a student who knew the stars in the Orion constellation

I think it's the only time I've ever shown a film and had people immediately drop the course.  It's exciting.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on the Saragossa Manuscripts

You guys are going to the wrong men's bathrooms.  Or maybe the right ones.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on graffiti

...about as anatomically possible as a Barbie.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on idealized descriptions of women in the Arabian Nights

This next week's reading is a medieval sex manual.  You might enjoy your week.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R

Watch it online, feel shame, and contact me.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on missing film screenings

I'm a translator--I believe some things are communicable.  And not just diseases.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R

His plan is to marry a girl every night and kill her in the morning.  We need to talk about his logic.

—Elliot Colla, COLT 1420R, on King Shahriyar in the Arabian Nights

If you're going to be pretty, be pretty, but don't also be smart.

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R, on George Clooney

If you're not careful on a day like this, you start to think this is how life is supposed to feel.

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R, on nice weather

Planning a week in advance--"I will be incapacitated at this time"?  You guys ARE overachievers...No, you can't come drunk to the film screening.  And by the way, if I see this on the Daily Jolt tomorrow, the whole thing is off.

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R, on cancelling the Friday afternoon seminar for Spring Weekend

We can't sell out; it's terrible.

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R, on the lack of corporate funding for the humanities

You stinking Buddhist, you sold out!

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R

My life is crummy but the crumbs are delicious.

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R

Oh, there's a *reason* right people don't look at the world the same way!

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R, on better parking

I didn't have friends or family, because I'm a social misfit.

—Tom Jundt, AMCV 1930R, on teaching high school with predesigned lesson plans

How else might you frame it? The right to...achieve alternative states of mind? The right to feel good?

—Professor Cahill, on whether there is a fundamental right to smoke marijauna

Adult incest and bestiality - now these are two of my favorites!

—Professor Cahill, In discussing Scalia's dissent in Lawrence v. Texas

I think that bad aesthetics are worse than bad ethics.

—Prof. Der Derian talking about pornography in the Global Media Seminar

When I walk with you, I feel like I'm walking my dog.

—Prof. Der Derian to his RA on Wriston

The only thing is liquid oxygen... it's got a habit of exploding, which is a bit of a problem

—Professor Maris, PH214 Statistical Mechanics

Maxwell was smart.  After figuring out all of E&M he got bored. 

—Professor Maris, PH214 Statistical Mechanics, on why Maxwell derived the Maxwell relations

Define universe and give three examples

—Professor Maris, PH214 Statistical Mechanics, on difficult exams

It's a miracle!  Like those monkeys typing Shakespeare.

—Professor Maris, PH214 Statistical Mechanics, on writing a complicated equation on the board correctly

I would vaporize myself.  It's not a skill to learn casually.

—Professor Maris, PH214 Statistical Mechanics, on freezing people by looking at them

 Get a J O B!

—Dr. Dean, Lessons on Life

I got nothing out of my marriage, so I might as well exploit it for a little history.

—Professor Gorn, HIST 1970N

Nobody here was on the Brown Fencing team?  (Student: No).  Ha.  Alright.  I guess I'll still give this lecture...

—Professor Hochberg, lecture on Basal Ganglia, BIOL3652 Brain Sciences

Nobody will ever be able to explain to you what post-modernism is ... but whatever it is, it isn't modernism anymore.

—Paul Buhle, discussing Andy Warhol in AMCV1611L "The 60s Without Apology"

When the Greeks encountered the Jews in the ancient world, they tried to Greekify them, and told them:
" 'Get out of the synogogue! Start throwing the shot put! Practice homosexuality!' , but the Jews didn't much go for it."

—Professor Ken Sacks, History 1000B, "The Shaping of the Classical World: Greeks, Jews, and Romans"
You'll have patients say, 'I didn't like my pills, so I stopped taking them.' Now 10% of your blood has parasites. How do you like that?
—Jef Bratberg, PharmD, BioMed351: Pharmacology
I noticed one of you fell asleep last time during our discussion of presidential and parliamentary systems. I can't say I blame.
—Professor Melani Cammett, PS 20: Introduction to Comparative Politics
On a field trip to Block Island...
Student: (pointing to a large house) What's that monstrosity over there?
Jack: Somebody's vision of self-importance!
—Jack Mustard, GE133 (Remote sensing)
You've got Noumena, phenomena and everything else is a big joke.
—Professor Justin Broackes, PL35, discussing Kant's metaphysics.
So options are kinky investments.
—Professor Feldman, EC 177, describing a graph of the value of stock options
Now there are two things you need to have an orgy ...
—Raaflaub, CL 131 Roman History, on Bacchic cult rituals
Sometimes the author's convolutions, as I also mentioned in class, defy reasoning of us ordinary people!
—Professor J.T. Liu, Engine 81, Fluid Mechanics, responding to an email from a student asking a question regarding an equation in the textbook.
If you have ever been in a fight, and maybe this is why I always lose them, you realize that they are utterly absurd.
—Professor Stuart Burrows in EL 151 discussing the idealistic views of war held by young men, as in "The Red Badge of Courage."
Hah! That calls for ten lashes with a wet noodle!
—Professor Jodry, MU 61-Chorus
Scale degree 7 is the most powerful tendency tone known to mankind.
—Mark Steinbach, MU055
I do believe that Kramer will be an eternal figure in the history of human drama and comedy...much like Homer.
—Professor Kennelly In reference to the relevance of ancient Roman comedies...whether by Homer he meant the Greek or the Simpson...we may never know...
What chu doiiiinnnnnggggg, mang?!
—Kewang Jin, PH7 Lab TA, while we were measuring something very closely and quietly.
There is a form of pretentiousness in Mathieu that is beyond anything you can imagine... I cannot insist enough how deeply ridiculous it is.
—Vanel, HA88 talking about an artist who recreated a historical French battle by "fighting" his canvas.
The example is underdescribed and the fried chicken doing any work
—Professor Hazlett, PL23, Human Knowledge and Truth
You can use the dexamethasone suppression test to determine if there is a cancer on board
—Professor David Morris, Biology 30: Endocrinology, referring the way you can use an endocrine test to see if cancer is present in the body
I have an announcement to make. I'm not going to have a final.
—Prof Pucci, LA 10
Hi Sam-I-am-I-am. I just had to say that. And don't put that on the Daily Jolt too!
—Professor Hilary Silver, US 21, after asking a student what her name was, and then realizing that everything she's said recently has ended up on the Jolt
Turn the goddamn thing off and let me die!
—Professor Mor; BC31-Healthcare in the U.S. on the Teri Shaivo case, and what she may be thinking
Hahaha..the asian religions ghetto
—Professor Roth, after hearing the dreary basement room his Chinese Religion class was assigned had previously been used for a class on Indian Religions
Please note this change: my office hours are going to be MONDAY from 3-5, rather than 3:30-5:30, so that I have 30 minutes to get properly drunk before coming to class. Ha ha. THAT'S A JOKE!
—Professor Shatz Fiction Writing
I was wondering what you would see if you could really see what you see. Please don't post that on the Daily Jolt.
—Professor Paradiso, BN 1, describing the fovea
The child did WHAT to his mother?!
—Professor Sedivy, CG41: Introduction to Linguistic Theory
One of your classmates informed me that Newton died a virgin.
—Professor Valles PH3
Final exam format is a combination of multiple-guess, er, I mean multiple-choice...
—Prof. Hurt. EN 72 Thermodynamics. when explaining the format of the final exam on webct.
I am financially closer to Bill Gates than the Greeks were to Alexander!
—Professor Fornara, CL 122: The history of Greece from archaic times to the death of Alexander
You all know the format of the test. There will be some words...
—Dan Ullucci, TA for RS 72
One of the benefits of an academic career is that you don't have to listen to dumb people talk for long periods of time.
—Professor James Dreier, Philosophy 164
I guess it's called that by the imaginative people who name things.
—Professor Breuer, Thermodynamics
Pretty much, you're gonna suffer for a couple of weeks.
—Professor Palmore, Engin 72: Thermodynamics
Do what you can to promote this class. If you can do it, do it out of free will. If not, then lie.
—Professor Krotz, PS 140
Sometimes biochemistry can be simple, apparently not on the last exam, though.
—Professor Salomon, BI28
I'm not an expert in reproduction. I know how to make babies and I know when I have my period, but that's about it.
—Prof. Beth Zielinski, at a BI 80 review session
It can get awkward specializing in sex therapy...sometimes you see your patients regardless, and my wife'll say, 'Hey look, it's Mr. Smith by the fruit basket,' and I'll sort of hide my face. 'Yeah, hun. I know all about Mr. Smith and fruit.'
—Professor W, PY170
And then there's 'skeet skeet,' which is ejaculation...
—Professor Brink-Danan, AN80, listing pop culture phrases of 2006
Never underestimate the gay lover aspect.
—Professor Luong, Public Policy 170.30: Crisis Management, explaining the complications of giving a statement to the media.
Theodora could be played by Elizabeth Taylor... or Cher.
—Prof. Susan Harvey, RS 72, talking about a 6th century Empress of the Roman Empire
Moms get all excited to see their sonogram, and it's just like this little circle of darkness.
—Andrea Sobieraj, BI 80, talking about the developing embryo
I can tell you guys have had a rough semester.
—Professor Palmore, EN72: Thermodynamics, on looking up and seeing the expressions on her students faces.
I understand that some of you intend to be in voluntary states of incapacitation this weekend.
—Professor Heller SO162 Globalization and Social Conflict on why he's extending our paper date.
Meiosis 1 is really where it's at!
—Professor Ken Miller, Biology 20: Found Living Systems
There are NO paper extentions under any circumstances...floods, aliens...
—Professor Krotz, PS140
Don't pack up or I'll come and kill you!
...Sorry, that might have been a bit aggressive...
—Jim Campbell, Econ 111, as people were packing up five minutes early.
Invite them to a feast and then keep their women... it's like a fraternity party.
—Professor Konstan, CL90: Greek Mythology, on where Romans find wives.
That's one thing Banner is designed to do – cobble all of our information together so when it crashes we're all immobilized.
—Professor Dill, Sociology 109; Theories of Organizational dynamics.
Staple your papers. Unstapled papers get no worship. I want them to come apart in my mind, not in my hands.
—Professor Felicia-Nimue Ackerman, PL88, holding an unstapled paper in disgust.
And now we'll hear our good friend Hitler...I mean Churchill!
—Professor Joan Richards, HI 2, while giving background information for the speaker that the class was about to hear
It's magic. And not that stuff with the pyramid with the eye on the dollar bill, either.
—Prof. Cope, HI 164, talking about why paper money is actually worth something
So spring break is over. Who here had vomiting or diarrhea?
—Prof. Zielinski, BI 80, starting a lecture on regulation of the GI tract
So lets say a firm spends money on developing a new diabetes medication. (Student in balcony throws up arms in celebration) Oh!!... Yay! Someone has diabetes!
—Prof Friedberg, EC11
That's not comical! You're just stoned out of your mind!
—Professor Dreier, Philosophy 164: The Nature of Morality, discussing why jokes are funny
I might be a zombie!
...that's definitely going up on the jolt isn't it?
—Prof. Sobel, CG63: Children's Thinking
I'm from Switzerland, and all you ever hear about is William Tell. Chances are the guy never even fucking existed.. [snickers from audience]
—Prof. Heller, SO162 (Globalization and Social Conflict) about how a state fabricates national identity.
You can't do something like put a Doric order above a Corinthian order, because that's just stupid! This is a form of Classical witticism, for those in the know.
—Professor Catherine Zerner, HA 185: Paris Urbanism and Architecture from the 10th through 20th centuries
The first to hang was a pipe-smoking, destitute hag named Sarah Good.
—Professor Wood, HI0170, on witchcraft in Salem
Homogenous: everyone gets the homo, that's easy.
—Professor Landman, Math 154 guest lecturing on pronunciation
I'm a very curious guy, I think I might have been a ferret in my last life.
—Professor Luong, PP170: Crisis Management
Then we go into a turn, and if she does it well then she's a Tina. You know, the singer, Tina Turner.
—Russell Monk, Brown Ballroom Coach

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